i repeat, this is not a drill.

in the past weeks i’ve had a couple of atomic bombs drop on my head, but right now, i feel like a train wreck waiting to happen.

i swear it’s the domino effect- except everything is not related. it’s like one wave after another and they were all churning and building up where my blind spots are. i was just never alert enough to see these things coming. and of course rash enough to do whatever i want and assume i can get away scot free. sadly, sometimes mistakes come back to haunt you in the most unexpected ways. i hope i don’t pichia lobang or i am in the shits.

some people deserve to die.

you fucking shitface. i’ll never forgive you. when i come home i’ll make sure you rot in your little personal hell of misery and regret and fucking die with a heart attack after a tranny blows you. i’ll make sure you’ll never be fucking happy again you son of a bitch. if i were there you will NEVER be even 10km from us ever again. cunt.

i’m really sorry God but sometimes i can’t understand why you let shit like this happen to innocent people. people who dont know any better and now will be scarred for life. and they call this a test? a test of what? i really can’t have faith in God if he lets people like that asshole even exist in this world. i can’t believe in God when he hurts the people i love. i really can’t.

procrastinator number one.

considering what has happened thus far at home, i really should be studying harder to ensure my studies aren’t in the way if i have to fly back to singapore immediately. i really don’t know what i’ll do if i lose my grandma, just like that.

i don’t really like this picture of myself but everyone else looks good here. this is a photo from last year’s chinese new year. i realised that we didnt take any photos at all this year.

i was very much upset when i first found out my grandma has cancer, and she has to remove most of her stomach. i genuinely felt pessimistic about how that may turn out, but the specialist thinks she’s strong enough to handle it. i’ll like to believe that. i pray she’ll never have to feel like she has no one, but me being all the way in australia doesn’t help things. i break her heart so that i can go ‘pursue my dreams’.

anyhow a lot of other things have happened this past fortnight. there was carl’s housewarming, kenny’s surprise birthday, jack’s 21st, and just last night, soong’s 21st. somehow i believe that there is always a balance. for every drop of happiness there must always be, at least, a drop of misery.

i better get to work now. think higher.

our own little piece of time.

to be fair, i have the chance photograph our romance too. (: i don’t really think it’s about having the best studio set or the canon 1D or something, sometimes everything is just right and you have to catch it, and it’s most perfect the way it is. i want to preserve the moments when we are the most raw and uninhibited, when we’re just together together.

love in a time warp.

i know i’m supposed to be obsessing about my preventative war essay now, but i was catching up on some new york times reads and it led me to something quite fantastic.

i was reading about danny lyon’s photographic work when it led me to Alfred Stieglitz (whose surname i cant pronounce haha) and Georgia O’Keefe. And yes O’Keefe is the famous American artist with a museum. but that’s not the point. here’s some of her paintings that i’m sure you’ll find familar:

It’s interesting because I wiki-ed about them and they have the most amazing story. Stieglitz was pretty much the pioneer of American photography and he published more than 300 photos of O’Keefe- those that i’ve seen are so very astonishing. apparently they were two very passionately lovemaking people; she was a quarter of a decade younger than he was and they were both excellent, brilliant artists. it was somewhat the kind of romance that you see in the movies… so warped, so daring, so undefinable. and it seems like only individuals like them can throw the societal robe away and you just have to love them for their freedom and ambition. you just have to envy them.

and here are some of the amazing photos Stieglitz shot of O’Keefe:

it is quite clear through these photos that Stieglitz had such an obsession with her hands. for most of the portrait shots above you can see that her hands are always somewhat contorted or almost unnaturally placed. i guess she really just looks like a very sleepy and drug-induced person for the most part, but at the same time it looks like she had so much soul in her that she was in pain, dying to express some very abstract part of her yet hardly the usual sense of “bursting forth”. it’s astounding.

and here is my favourite one, out of those i’ve seen so far. how can you ever see so much in a person- to not just look but see- and produce such a beautiful image that reveals all that passionate madness?

yup.

i’m so lazy it’s not funny. despite alicia’s arduous efforts to wake me up for camberwell i didn’t! imagine all the buys i would have missed out on! plus i brought up the idea in the first place :S

aside from that i realised something. i haven’t really had fun in a loong, loooong time. like the ‘let loose and puke’ kind of fun. i’m not sure if i’ve grown out of it, or maybe i don’t need these thrills anymore. it’s been a while also since i last felt contented, and i think when that happens you want to be safe and preserve everything in cling wrap. but even that cant stop the chicken from rotting eventually.

to be continued.

i can’t imagine the pain of losing a loved one, especially when you’re so far away from home. although i have gone through it in different circumstances, i can’t and don’t want to see it happening again, knowing that i may not even be able to be there and tell them how much i love them. and yet we simply cannot stop time from aging and taking it all away.

my black and whites are finally out, do see it on my facebook! here’s my favourite Duke, grumpy and grouchy and all and such a prince:

the way things are.

i remember this line was from the movie Babe. i can’t remember how many times i’ve used it or how staunchly i’ve believed in what it means. sometimes situations are simply unchanging and no amount of effort will turn things your way.

it’s been almost 2 months in melbourne now, and my housemates just booked tickets back to singapore in june. i am going to stay here and clean the house for 10 days.

it seems quite exhilarating that this life here will be over in months, in a way that before we know it, it’s all over. everything now is counted in months. carl and i have been together for almost 5 now (i’m reminiscing my puppy love period when i count my relationships in days), i have got 8 more months left in melbourne, and about 2 months before this semester ends.

time is most exemplary of the way things are. you can’t push it and you can’t create more. perhaps we can cheat for a few hours if we manually adjust the hand but that’s about it. and that is just fucked up. it makes us more afraid of what we can lose, simply because we can’t fight the regiments of regularity- if it’s gone, it’s gone. which is why i hope our time together will mean something more than just time.

pics of us at carl’s in echuca:

his house

with the fattest and grumpiest cat i’ve ever met. more of him when my black and whites get developed.

you are on my mind.

i think in a way i attained a personal state of nirvana. kidding.

i never expected to become so comfortable with you and i’m afraid. i can’t stop thinking about how we fit together. the more i know it’s going somewhere the more i know i probably can’t handle it. i’d much rather stop this before i trap myself like an insect on a spiderweb.

happy 21st to me, to me

since before i left for melb i’ve been celebrating my 21st. i don’t really think this traditional milestone means much anymore really, but it’s a good reason for everybody to do something nice for each other. (:

i was all prepared yesterday to spend my actual birthday watching tv shows on my laptop, but with a bit of lousy acting carl dragged me out of the house to mcdonald’s, where all my melb friends were waiting. and it’s always been my dream to have my birthday at mcdonald’s! and tim and xinyi made me a really huuuuuuge cheeseburger with 2kg of meat in it. pictures soon.

and most importantly i’m really happy cuz my gippsland friends and my honey xinyi showed up too (: it really completely my birthday having my friends with me, then having the moomba festival and watching pretty fireworks. of course what matters is not the alcohol or the candy or having big big parties, but simply that i had the company of truly awesome friends.