going, going, gone.

apparently it just has to be.

does anybody remember One Tree Hill? the scene whereby Peyton drives again and again through the red light but never gets hit, and she wonders why her mother died and not her. not to forget her famous drawing of traffic lights changing, and the quote “everybody leaves”.

the string that binds us is invisible. we can’t tell what it really looks like, it feels strong but it could be just a thin thread. or the other way round. but we only find out when it breaks on its own, when we break it ourselves, when other people snip it with a pair of scissors or a butcher’s knife. we just never know until it’s gone.

3 cartons of beer

that’s how much we drank at lenny’s boozebeque tonight. i can’t say i contributed more than 5 bottles but still. and when everyone was done polishing up the beer we all headed up to his place for rock band, which after failing 3 times i decided it was time i retired.

i sneaked away when tony and the rest were going to suriya for supper. after going to cheryl’s barbeque last night as well, and the 3 other birthday chalets i have been to, enough is enough, my liver is not made of iron and so is my body.

somehow a part of me can’t wait to see carl. hurry time, fly faster.

darling, you’re a maze.

i tell myself that i have had enough of fun but we all know that is rubbish. the more you try to restrict yourself the more you want to taste the sweet release of succumbing to temptation.

which is why i am half-alive at work right now after an unplanned all-nighter at zouk. i think i will be at a loss if it ever closes down.

on to another topic, i guess after passing the initial stage of missing him i’m kind of just watered down now. i was already kind of hesitant about our relationship will progress, and now i’m just in a limbo. i suppose i have never really expected anything out of it and now that it seems i am getting something, someone who isn’t as bastard as i thought all men are, and i don’t know what to do.

social dynamics.

5 weeks more and i’ll be in melbourne again. now that i am away from it i understand why people love that place so much, because it’s just so untouristy and so ideal for lazy days, for staying in with a nice glass of wine in hand.

here in singapore i feel like i never rest. probably because i’ve made it this way (believing that hard work does make a difference in my resume, perhaps), probably because there are so many things and so many people i want to fit into my life that fitting myself in means only the luxury of an afternoon nap. i don’t really have time, or the energy, to read anymore, or even to watch a movie.

in any case, i went to two birthday chalets last weekend. happy 21st xianming and daryl!

but i did get to star-gaze after leaving daryl’s chalet, and it was fun. i’ll love to do this again with you before i leave. i would think that not everybody can see the craters on the moon like its 30 centimetres away. you take it for granted (:

it’s all been done.

can’t help it folks. time waits for no one.

it’s always a shock every year when i realise how long i’ve known some of my closest friends. some for barely a year, some just about 4 years and others i’ve known since puberty. we’ve all dispersed into so many different directions, stretched our friendships beyond what we’ve always known it to be. nowadays it’s not about just being there for being each other, it’s about not being there, as if as we grow older our space bubble expands around each of us, and when we meet up for gatherings we’re all just huge bubbles bumping around and speaking through the plastic. sometimes we’re not really listening, sometimes we simply can’t hear our close friends anymore.

of course there are always the misfits who try to poke at your bubble in a futile attempt to get your attention. all you do is cringe and bounce off.

i, you, she, together.

“i like girls and i like boys, i don’t have to make a choice.”

standstill period has officially arrived on this bright and cheery monday afternoon, where ironically the office is in a lull and so am i.
it could be that case, or it could be realising, yet again, that it doesn’t always work to take the plunge. it doesn’t always reward to take the initiative- or rather, it never works when you’re looking for something in return.

i guess i was a friend to you, but after yesterday, on my impulsive need to know, i’ve become just like one of them.

independence comes at a cost

you know you mean it when tell yourself you need to move out, way too many times. you know you feel suffocated when you see your dead father in your mother’s eyes everytime she looks at you, as if she is looking at him and wondering if he’ll kill himself again. you know your mother knows she’s wrong when she puts her foot down just to not lose face.

so i know i need to move out when i graduate and leave my family in peace. i cannot wait now.

tap your heels three times.

quite amazing but i’ve waited 20 years to watch wizard of oz. i think that critics and media scholars have read far too much into it, and what’s with pink floyd merging their music video with footages of oz. they ruin the pure fantasy of it all and try to put the world’s weight on one of the few masterpieces that should be enjoyed while floating on thin air.

it is not wrong to find an escape.

“As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don’t know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.”

men think with their dicks

i’m sorry but i can’t even begin to explain how true that saying is. is it so naive to expect that a person will not have dirty intentions when they say they’ll help you with something? GOOD GOD. i am thoroughly appalled and i will never speak to that person again. what a nice start to my new year.