taboo.

do you know how it is my love,
to have and to lose?

have you thought of me my love,
when i chewed
on your emotions like my favourite truffle cake
savouring every moment
while you were devoured
unknowingly?

my love i didn’t think of you,
my love,
i think i’m happy in my own bubble
on my own, on my own.

social spoils.

i travelled back to the safe haven of melbourne to escape the ill embarrassments of thursday’s drunken debauchery. i knew i should have just done the right thing and stayed put in my room and finished the damn essay and all those shit wouldn’t have occurred. i feel like i have no more face, singaporean speak.

thing is that melb isn’t any safer at all. the first thing i did when i arrived was to prepare for another party. and then like all morning afters at my dearies sfee and alicia’s, we sit around and talk and facebook new friends and acquaintances. doesn’t help that hawthorne won the footie final and there are about a gazillion drunkards philandering the streets since afternoon, but i guess it’s better than if they had lost.

though i must say, sometimes it’s easier to hide yourself in a sea of people rather than where everyone can see your ugly betty boop.

confusion or just refusing to admit

i tell myself that i am confused, but i know deep inside my arteries that this is not the case. i think i know what’s wrong with me but it’s too ridiculous to say that it’s true.

unable to feel

i woke up today feeling a strong sense of nothing. you know how it is, as though you have lost all sense of purpose and forgot your reason of existence, where you are currently existing, that you are human.

i have been drowning myself with korean dramas ever since i discovered yanting’s humongous stash of them. and jap dramas, and taiwanese dramas, and the drama of my own life and the people all around and away from me. some watch them for gratification, for plots to fantasize and enrich daydreams. but i’ve found that these so-called typified works of mass consumption provide an emotional release, an excuse to cry and to make yourself laugh, so that i can empty out my emotions and be numb, to lose it all, to forget, by ironically reminding myself with fairy tales that my life is never going to be one.

i finally left the house today and saw my friends since i hid myself in busy melbourne. i found so many distractions to get my mind off things and that i have been putting away feeling lousy, and the moment i came back to the countryside it hit me like a giant wave, like the constant, gradual highness that hits you from weed. then you are submerged in quicksand, and the only chance to get out is to let yourself be. and stop struggling.

hence today’s me is a result of marathon drama nights and going backwards to be simply, an object. not a being, but a thing. just because we have to be empty sometimes to start anew, and become a brand new person.

i’d like to teach the world to sing.

it’s time to give it up. all of it. all of wanting hating liking procrastinating whining sighing chewing too loudly singing out of tune missing loving hugging kissing making breathing spending photographing cleaning reading filming writing, wanting and wanting it all so bad. the world is never enough, my boy.