You are currently browsing the monthly archive for April 2008.
HOW HOW HOW.
This time I may have to fend for my own chance, and I’m not sure if I’m up to it.
my mind is an empty room with a whirring noise that comes from a little ventilator high up the plain, enormous circular wall, with little streams of light coming through it to illuminate the bareness of this view.
right now i’m not really sure how i’m feeling, but i think it is extremely important to assess this like how i like to assess everything in my schizophrenic state. because when we broke up i couldnt feel a thing.
i don’t know if i am just numb and unrecoverable or if i actually feel somewhat liberated. maybe it’s both and that’s why my room is circular. and i can’t cry. i haven’t been able to shed a tear. i was tearing and tearing and tearing and staining my face when we quarrelled on the phone but the moment he said, “i think you should get another boyfriend”
i stopped. i wonder if this is similar to the time when i found out my dad killed himself. i bawled for a short while and then i was playing with barbie dolls. fucking ugly barbie dolls with their primp little kitchens and supermarket. i tried squeezing at least eye poop out when he was cremated; i figured i looked quite out of place in a weeping crowd.
i’m not sure how to deal with this. i don’t think he’s going to call me anymore. i think he’s packing the clothes i left at his place into a trashbag. recently i brought extra underwear to standby since i’ve been staying over quite often.
i wonder if he knew it was going to end like this, as though meaninglessly but a thoroughly expected lack of fanfare.
i’m sorry i get car sick so easily! :X
that aside, i’m glad that i’m working now and meeting new people, because i’m learning so much in such a short time. i’m seeing, perhaps, what i think of as alternative perspectives but are really the same old ‘what ifs’ re-examined. an unexplored road aside, there is no sense in thinking like a 23-year-old when i’m really still behaving like my age, trying my luck and hoping to etch a little street cartoon of myself somewhere.
and it’s only plain obvious that organising every little conclusion to meaning adds on to the confusion that i am never going to get sorted out because in truth, you can take as many detours as you like and you will only look back when you leave every decision up to fate, convincing yourself that you are utterly incapable of running your own life. while it is tiring to try, i don’t want to lose the steering wheel and see myself crash into a tree and die. i want to go to heaven peacefully, asleep and next to my love, somewhere in the tropics of capricorn.
that’s why we all need to take a step back, but i don’t know why it is so difficult for me to shut up and just listen. it really could be worth the long haul.
now that my first shoot is over and done with we have to ask the synonomous question of, what follows my sweets?
one, is making life harder for yourself,
two, is loving me a little too much,
three, is hoping that we will all understand one day.
it is the most incredible experience once you feel the adrenaline rush of a little creature tugging on your bait, the chicken heart. i am stupefied as to why i never chose to pick up this sport.
YES it is a sport! i am cheesily hooked.
