You are currently browsing the monthly archive for March 2008.
the light fluttering of your anonymous kiss,
that heartwrenching tear in your wistful eyes,
it is the butterfly that envelopes me with invisible wings.
what do you do when each time you look at love, you see in his eyes that he doesnt really want to be here with you? and that’s why you keep looking because you want be assured of truth in what you are seeing. you had made it through one year with him on your toes, on titters and tatters with him pretending that everything’s cool this time and just happy on that day, while you are hoping that everything’s cool this time and being just happy on that day.
and i understand when i realised he cannot love me for what i am because he cannot accept my imperfections- but i credit him for trying at least until today. but honey, i love you for every bit that was sour and bitter, i learnt to see you for who you are and your aspirations and your pride. i don’t fucking care how rich you are, what car you drive or what you are doing with your career- i love every bit of you.
i just wish you’ll do the same. as i’ve said, you are my 100 percent, and as you’ve put across quite clearly to me after you were annoyed at how i can’t play tennis, you do not feel the same, and even worse if you only don’t because of bad tennis games.
if the only reason why you can’t give me your all is that i didn’t demand it the way she does, it’s really my fault. so be free, my love.
there there, waiting for conference call. it’s kind of cool in a way to be involved in almost every aspect of a project like this one- can’t wait for the stress level to get to me.
pain for pleasure.
i think many of us will say, “i never thought this day would come”.
but in truth, graduation is nothing to be excited about- if anything it should be dealt with trepidation. OH THE REAL WORLD where nobody is a friend, and those who are give you reasons to feel fortunate.
here is the cycle:
being your parents’ baby
tweens
teens
rebel without a head
being somebody else’s baby
career mad
marriage
being parents (highly optional)
retirement
death.
because it took me so many days to remember to shoot my flowers, they are already dying.
but that’s ok, it means they are genuine. (:
i love you.
i feel weird. out of place. strangely unfamiliar.
not because it’s a new environment, but i feel like i’m leaping over a huge gap doing the stuff i’m doing now. i came into this job fully prepared to do the shits that PAs do, but no i get to sit at a desk and basically type things and call people and help to coordinate shoots.
all because i said i wanted to be a producer and not a director. but don’t producers have to work their way up to the office too? although it is exactly what i want to be, but not now when i barely have any real commercial production experience. i feel like i’m walking on thin air. it’s just weird. 
so it’s really cool that i’m sitting down at the office in Shooting Gallery, done with my first task and waiting for lunch. i must say this is all very different from what i’ve been used to.
somehow, looking forward to doing something new and perhaps craft a nomad life in one profession. you know how in Sims 2 each Sim has an ultimate aspiration? it took me some time to recall that mine was to produce a film that will impact the world and change the way things are.
ten things that i’ll do after i turn 20:
10. learn to grow up
1. actually grow up
and in between i’ll try to cast away that demon of pessimism.
“the loved object is simply one that has shared an experience at the same moment of time, narcissistically; and the desire to be near the beloved object is at first not due to the idea of possessing it, but simply to let the two experiences compare themselves, like reflections in different mirrors. all this may precede the first look, kiss, or touch; precede ambition, pride or envy; precede the first declarations which mark the turning point- for from here love degenerates into habit, possession, and back to loneliness.”
it has really taken me a while, but i finally found the time to finish lawrence durrell’s Justine. in reality speak the book is made up of cleverly-disguised excuses for infidelity, like in Lolita where being paedophilic is not such a horrid sin.
like what Justine says, “we use each other like axes to cut down the ones we really love”.
now the book is full of dog ears and folds because there are so many of such quotes for various Alexandrian reasons.
i’ve always wondered if i would take up an opportunity to be unfaithful if it was ever presented to me; it is basically just one of many kinds of temptations that always seem so delectable at the beginning, pruned and polished, or like foie gra and served with the freshest mushrooms on an egyptian gold plate. it is true that people like Justine do exist, but we need to be satisfied and dysfunctional before we can explore on how to experience vertigo. after all, good literature is never completely fiction.
