as i was telling tim neo, it’s a miracle in itself that i got up for church, so don’t complain.
i’ve probably never had such a smooth journey anywhere, at least for a long time now. the minutes ticked by a little slower, my walk was relaxed despite having only an hour’s sleep, and the tram showed up just when i arrived at the stop. i had my ’stay awake’ kit accumulated over the week unwittingly, my table littered with various assortments of things i would usually bring to church. I dumped into my bag sour cream pringles for breakfast, warheads and tic tacs in case i needed the sweet and sour punch, water bottle, a notebook and pen and my rhinestone-studded bible. haha.
reach community church was small. it was different from the massive scale of FCBC, everybody was a little more off-key, the worship team was straining their vocals a little bit too much. in FCBC everything had to be top-notch, perfect. and that’s why we forget that in the first place, if one is perfect one doesn’t need God.
somehow i think that whatever has happened through the week was cumulative, finally amounting to the tears of desperation i thought i will never let out again. as i felt overwhelmed in God’s presence, for once, feeling the surest He was there and listening, i told Him, i hate that person. i want to kill him. i can never forgive him. God no, i cannot have faith and then have You bastard us again when we are not looking. and You always know when we are not, You have the greatest advantage.
it’s not the same but somehow my thoughts go back to the story of Abraham, whom God has tested by asking him to sacrifice his son, Issac. Just as Abraham is about the stab his own flesh blood, God tells him to stop and says, now you have proven your faith and how much you love Me, like a psycho possessive Angelina Jolie. the NIV bible says, “now i know that you fear God”. tand He keeps pushing it, just to see how far you’ll go. while some people hang on, others snap and are possibly filtered from heaven. then what?
i know that i’m not the most praiseworthy person, and i have made a shitload of the worse decisions. but before you shove us into the pits it’ll just feel a lot more reassuring if You’ll at least show us a rope, instead of me hoping and praying that whatever has happened is already the worse that can happen. dear God, don’t forget that you’re Jesus too.




