that feeling of being reminded

sometimes i get this shot in the back and i can’t concentrate. i would have to drop whatever i am doing, sit down and complete this revisiting of a memory. at times they are good things and others are stark recollections of all that i have done wrong. 

it could be the slightest or most indirect occasion that triggers incidents like this. most of the time i re-live those moments in my mind and i can’t believe that they actually happened. 

today i realised that’s why i hang on to my job even though i hate it deeply, with a vengeance, and if you would listen, i will tell and re-tell how much i hate it but i will still be here on time on monday, hating it.

Under the Weather

It really has been ages since I last wrote, I think the death of whiny, personal blogs like mine has something to do with it.

I have 3 more months before marking 2 years in my first job, doing so-called marketing in the sports media industry. I ended my relationship less than 4 months before making it to the 3-year distance. It is just 2 months to the beginning of my 24th year on earth.

I am beaten, tired and spent beyond any limit that I ever imagined, so mentally exhausted at maintaining that precarious balance between reaching all my desires in life and the current state I am in right now, despite realising for ages that these two paths will never meet, and yet I am still trying, and society implores you to bear hope of a better existence.

I don’t remember being this way just a few years ago, at the prime of my youth, where I never counted time because life was always moving so enjoyably fast and I revelled living for all its excitement.

I had so many goals and dreams that are now six feet under. And yet it seems so much better to just remain this way, and keep surviving, than to pull myself out of this funk. I just don’t know how long I can remain lost before I pull the plug on myself, out of constant frustration. I don’t know how I can get help, but then maybe I don’t want it.

the aftermath

in fukushima the nuclear reactors have caused quite a few scares, in taiwan there was a 5.0 earthquake and in essence, the world does feel like it has reached its time.

in my small scope of the last week, my colleagues tell me i should take it easier on myself, that i’m only human etc, but i’m just mad because i know that i am better than all this, that i know i could have done better, and i don’t want to just ‘oh fuck it’ only to have someone make me feel even worse when they say ‘oh btw here’s something ELSE you did shit for’.

i mean be it natural disasters or work people are really quick to identify a point of blame and make hoo-has about it, so it’s just not funny at all when you are that focal point. there was probably nothing better to say than ‘don’t take it to hard on yourself’ because the fault line has been shifted, as though i was this bright-eyed girl who just really wanted to prove my worth and spectacularly failed, and that’s a good enough cover that really no one bothered to help anyone out, that there is no such thing as teamwork where i am.

The Push and Pull

It’s true that couples need some arguments in order to stay together. But what happens when you tug at the mutual fabric so much, be it a few hard times or many pokes.

And this bond between you and I stretch thinner and thinner, as it also supports the weight of my burdens. It’s not fair to you and, well, we know it.

How long more can we dance together with a rock between us?

Wear White!

Just absolutely love this article on Vogue! Always loved white but for some reason, nobody likes to make ‘loose’ white clothes other than boyfriend shirts.

I mean how bad is it already if its white AND completely too figure-hugging? It’s so unflattering for a lot of non-model people.

But anyway I love this silky loose Calvin Klein pants here:

Vogue Daily — “It is all about layering your white pieces during the winter,” says Francisco Costa.

really love it. sighh

and this Chanel Pearl Drop nail polish:

 

Vogue Daily — If you have long nails or extentions, paint one side white and the flip-side a true red for a modern look,” says Nina Werman.

 

this is the article link: http://www.vogue.com/vogue-daily/article/wear-white/

ciao ciao darlings. (:

when work sucks something out of you

before i start, an interesting article:

http://thecouchmanager.com/2011/01/16/8-interpretations-of-silence-when-using-instant-messaging/

 

so. what really sets me off about work is not the annoying colleague, the deadly silence in the office, the micromanagers or the One who sees it as his God-given duty to tell you that he has forecasted the future, and that you will fail without even trying.

it is that i let all these little, stupid things bother me and my outlook on life. it is that because everybody else is like this it seems too odd if you really can’t give two cents, or even if you just have better things to think about everybody starts to hog their rice bowls, wondering why you are not as petty and silly as everyone else, so you must be a power hungry bitch with something up your sleeve.

and rumour has it that the cool, calm and collected folks are the ones who are snakey sneaky and chummy with the bosses. which is true – that’s why you, the rumourmonger, are still stuck at the bottom of the food chain as an insecure little whiner.

what really, does work suck out of us? dignity, pride, morals? when did we become so concerned with who-and-whos whom we never knew before we signed the employment contract? why do we pretend that we are as insecure as they are? let them be afraid if they wish.

and frankly speaking, it’ll be really sad to waste my youth on worrying and speculating about other people’s rice bowls.

i wonder what the problem really is – that we have bosses who don’t want to hear about our ideals and good deeds, or if we are too busy trying to show them that we matter, so we end up ignoring the things that do.

i hate to admit it sometimes but carl is always right about these things. these small things and people are hardly worth fussing over, my office is not worse than your office. it’s just life.

 

the logic of good things

Haven’t you ever wondered why good things happen to you?

I’d like to think that they do because I’m such a sufferable person and thus, good things come my way to make up for the horrible nonsense that surround me like air. Maybe I’m just that morally sound.

But then I’m really most happy when the unexpected happens. I can’t say that I remember the moments I expected to be good more than those that occur beyond my comprehension, more than the fantastic gifts of life that I can never prepare myself to enjoy, because they are just so great.

So perhaps the trick to good things is often not about how hard we fought for them, but about being open minded enough to let life surprise us.

2011 New Year Resolutions!

because i’ve become tired of sitting on my arse, 2011 seems to be the year to set things right – and move towards a truly fulfilling life.

1. complete at least 2 levels of spanish lessons
2. organize my photos
3. clear out clothes i can’t fit in anymore
4. finish these books: love in the time of cholera, black swan, america- kafka, parrot & oliver in america – peter carey, dexter trilogy, blind willow sleeping woman – murakami
5. have at least 3000 SGD in savings
6. lose 5kg
7. organize my music library
8. conduct 4 routine back-ups of my computer drive
9. travel somewhere with carl i.e. cambodia
10. finish the Tak Dong Cheng script!

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